Staring out the window at the clouds and the grass, a war is going on within me. I feel like I need to get words out, but I’m not even sure what those words need to be. I feel compelled to write, but I don’t feel I deserve to write. At least, I don’t deserve to write about Jesus.
That’s the funny thing, though. Jesus is exactly who I feel compelled to write about. But how could I?
I’m not a theologian, and despite my deepest desire, I’m no prayer warrior. I love the word, but I’m far from an expert. But still… I’m compelled to write about Jesus.
Who Am I
I’m an average Canadian girl. I had a good childhood. I’m blessed to now have a career, an amazing husband, and 3 sweet children. We have a beautiful home on a piece of land, and we have enough money to pay the bills. We’ve had some struggles, yes, but nothing compared to what others experience.
When I think about the fact that God sees me, knows me, loves me… I’m in awe. I’m in awe because at the same time, I consider how there are billions of people in this world. People that God also sees, knows, loves… People that are suffering from poverty, malnutrition, racism, abuse and persecution.
I’m not talking about the “persecution” we face here in North America for being a Christian. No. I’m talking about persecution that will get you or your family beaten, imprisoned or killed for uttering the name Jesus.
Those people are faithful. They are strong. I am weak.
When I think of those people, I feel ashamed. I think of how often I take my comfortable life and Jesus for granted. I was born into a family that knows God. So why does my heart struggle with gratitude? Why is it easier for me to check my email in the morning than to bow in prayer? Why is it easier to find a problem than a blessing? And most frustrating of all… why am I convicted of my selfishness, yet slow to change?
I’m impatient with my children. I’m driven, and not always in a healthy way. The walls I put up are often too high. The questions I ask are often too direct. My expectations of others can be unrealistic. I am a sinner.
But I am a sinner who loves Jesus.
He’s Teaching Me
The more I am in God’s word, and the more time I spend in prayer, the more I am convicted of how I am a sinner. I no longer look at my life and think “I’m doing pretty good.” God keeps peeling back the layers of who I am, and let me tell you: It’s not always pretty.
But grace. Oh, grace. Is there a sweeter word? An undeserved gift of God’s goodness. God has shown favor to me, a sinner. And for fear I become even more narcissistic, I need to say that God has shown this unmerited favor to many others, over and over again.
I don’t need to understand it. In fact, I’m a mere human. How could I understand the fullness of the grace of God? Those waters are too deep for my earthly knowledge.
All I know is I’m so thankful for that grace.
One of my favorite Bible verses is found in 2nd Corinthians 12:8-9. It says, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.””
That is grace. In our weakness, we don’t deserve his grace, but he gives it. And what’s more amazing, is that it’s not about us. It’s about him. About his power being made perfect in out weakness. It’s about our weaknesses pointing to Christ’s glory.
I Don’t Deserve to Write About Jesus. But I Will.
From my human perspective, I don’t deserve to write about Jesus. He is worth more than my words.
But then there’s grace.
Jesus has covered me in grace, and my weakness points to his power.
For this reason, I will write.
When I feel compelled to write about Jesus, I will. In my mind, I don’t deserve to. But when I write about him, it is a way for me to worship. It is a way for me to draw near to Him. When I put words down on paper, I don’t lie to myself or justify my sin.
I write about Jesus and I’m reminded of why I need his grace. Our hearts should be filled with gratitude for this grace. Because of Jesus, we are not stuck in our sin. He has given us grace, and that grace enables us to grow.
We need to worship God in any way he has enabled us to. We need to know him. 2nd Peter 3:18 says “But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.”
For you, it may not be writing. Some of us are compelled to sing, to teach, to support others, to cook a meal and show God’s love. Whatever it is, grow in God’s grace, and worship him with your whole life.
Though I’m undeserving, I will write. I will do this because just as Jesus has given me grace, I’m giving myself grace. I will not demand perfection of myself before I put words on paper that bring glory to God.
In the same way, give yourselves the grace to grow. And also, let’s give each other the grace to grow. Let’s expect that out friends, mothers, sisters and daughters will change as God refines them. Lets welcome that, embrace it, and celebrate it.
Because when we live those lives of grace, we’re pointing to Christ’s power. And that, my friends, is the goal.
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